Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Fucking Christmas

It seems so wrong to tell someone to fuck off on Christmas, so I won't be doing it tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure the thread was here in case anyone needed it in the event of a drunk uncle/challenging family crisis. You know, escape to the toilet with a mobile device and tell your Auntie Margaret who asks you every year why you aren't married yet to go shove a garden gnome up her ass or something.

Just in case. Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Knew There Was A Reason I Never Liked Reality

Reality TV can officially fuck off. It was easy enough to ignore before. I was a snob about it at first, but learned not to be. Everybody has their own form of mindless entertainment. When it was confined to evening broadcasts that I never watched anyway, it didn't bother me. Let cable television come up with the raunchiest, tackiest premise for a show. Who can sell a kidney on the black market the fastest - winner gets a million dollars and seven-and-a-half minutes of fame! Put ten married guys in a room filled with Playboy bunnies and the last guy who doesn't dip his wick wins an Aston Martin and a free hair transplant. "Survivor: Mid-Life Crisis." Whatever.

Well, you know what? I'm back to being a fucking snob about it. Now that these attention-starved morons have trickled in to the real news so that CNN's headlines run like this:

*146 Killed In Afghanistan Attack
*Jon Gosselin Buys A Tube Of Toothpaste

I am officially pissed the fuck off. We've got jackass moron dipshits pulling stupid stunts, manipulating everything from White House security to their own fucking children in some desperate, idiotic, fuckbrained attempt to get their own goddammm reality show. Enough with this Look-At-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me bullshit. If you give a crap about the Gosselins getting divorced outside of a fleeting pinch of sympathy for their children, if you keep up with the Kardashians, if you watch "Jersey Shore" just so you can feel smug because you are not a big enough doofus to actually give yourself a nickname like "The Situation" without a hint of irony, you can FUCK OFF. I know, for a while it was kind of fun, watching in horror and thinking "at least I'm not that dumb," but when we've come to the point where television programming is saturated with Stupid Fucking Asshole shows that millions watch just to feel better because they're not that low, we're talking about a cultural vacuum waiting to happen.

Mark my fucking words. I'm sick to fucking death of the age of No-Talent Celebrity being shoved in my face through the mainstream news. Keep that shit confined to trashy tabloids and gossip sites, but KEEP IT OUT OF THE FUCKING REAL NEWS.

Okay, now it's your turn.

Friday, December 11, 2009

It's Called Weather. Deal.

Southern Californians who bitch and moan when the temperature dips below 65 degrees Farenheit can fuck off. There are these things called "sweaters" and "jackets" and "blankets" for you to endure the two weeks of Winter Holocaust we all have been plagued to suffer by angry gods. Other people elsewhere need them in September when you can still surf in your skivvies and yet continue to complain that it's too hot. 350 days out of the year you are blessed with a climate that can only be described as perfect. Shut UP.

Go on, the rest of yous. What do you have for us this week?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear Youtube

Dear Youtube,
I didn't complain when you started showing commercials before and between some of your videos. I'm getting your services for free, after all. I got peeved when some of the adverts became flashy and oversized, but still held back from groaning. I don't even make a fuss about the sound on some clips being disabled. It's not your fault there are people who think they deserve a fat check every time three notes of their music moves between a pair of human ears. But now you've started putting commercials at the top of your "related videos" that sit on the right sidebar - commercials that are in no way whatsoever related to the feature I happen to be watching. That's stupid. It's low. And with competitors like Hulu on the rise and undoubtedly many more to come, if you keep this shit up, you'll be as irrelevant as AOL in the age of Google.

Fuck off,
Me.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Friday Comes On A Wednesday

It's unlikely I'll be near a computer on Friday and I suspect that will be the case for many others. If you wind up going shopping, don't get trampled. I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving. If you've got any Fuck Offs, get 'em out of your system now before you head off to celebrate.

Cheers.

Friday, November 20, 2009

This Is So Important I Must Drop It In Your Lap And Go Home

People who come to you with a Very! Urgent! Matter! at the end of the day and then inform you that they are leaving to go home can fuck off. If it's so fucking important you expect me to drop everything, it should be important enough to spend an extra five fucking minutes at your job. A little effort above and beyond to get things done never killed anyone.

And the boss who actually spoke the words "You're a little ditzy sometimes but you're a good girl" to Laura's Daughter can Fuck Off With Knobs On (see last week's thread). Condescending fuckwad.

Your turn.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Just Another Friday

I got nothing. It's all yours.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Fucking Vague

Self-absorbed, pretentious assholes who think they're infinitely smarter when they are, in fact, quite fucking dumb can fuck off.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A quick FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH! to filling all our deer tags this year, all with big bucks. FUCK YEAH! to a 5-point x 4-point, which I got.

And FUCK YEAH to palling around today out at the ranch with Wunderkraut. You go, boy!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

Grow Up, Fuckhead

To one of the emotionally stunted fuckwits I work around who routinely decides he is mad at someone for something totally stupid and random that no sane person would expect another to get angry about that shuns people for days by not talking to them and being a fucking all-around dickhead: grow the fuck up. You are two years away from being eligible to collect Social Security, not a twelve-year-old boy who just lost at tug rope.

And run-on sentences can fuck off, too.

It's all yours.

Friday, October 16, 2009

That's IT. "REALITY TV" Can Suck My Balls.

If all that balloon boy shit from yesterday turns out to be attention whores using general public concern for the well-being of children that were just whoring for attention, for the first time in my life, I'm going to advocate a public mob gathering on somebody's front lawn.

With apologies to those of you that actually enjoy reality television, but Jeebus fucking Kryste. I'm sick of the age of instant celebrity, just add "reality" premise. I'm sick of useless pieces of shit like Jon and Kate being shoved in my face every fucking day just for going about the business of life. Celebrity stalking is bad enough when it involves people that actually have a talent for something and who are primarily famous for that said talent over the fact that they merely exist. Now we've got idiots who are famous just for letting a camera crew film their fucking every move, who then in turn crab to MORE cameras about how they don't have any privacy.

What the FUCK are we turning in to? We're either genuinely interested in watching the lives of white fucking trash unfold, or we're of such ridiculously low character that we've taken pleasure into tuning in to this shit just to feel better about ourselves. If you actually watch this crap to gratify stupid feelings of personal superiority, you are FUCKED UP.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Gaaah. Late again.

[Thanks for the reminder, Dave]

Fuck off to me and fuck off to Fridays.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The P Word

Roman Polanski. I've been mostly biting my tongue since he was arrested. Not anymore.

*to the people making excuses for him, fuck off. I realize a lot of these folks are longtime colleagues and friends and this can make objectivity difficult for them, but come on. It doesn't matter how long its been, how talented he is, or that he's been a model citizen ever since. He plead and fled. He's got some time coming to him.

*fair warning: if you ever use the word "Hollyweird" around me, I will punch you in the face. FUCK OFF with your putting all of this down to L.A. being some breeding ground of festering moral decay. The people in that business you so love to hate, who come to it for reasons ranging from genuine interest in film as art to being a simple attention whore, are from your backyards. Most of them move here from Minnesota or Tennessee or Florida. These Hollyweirdos are not the product of Los Angeles. Your state capital has just as many junkies, rapists, drunk drivers, sluts, opportunists, child abusers and idiots. The only difference is that people don't put out magazines chronicling their escapades. Try and imagine if every mistake you ever made was published in US Weekly and have a little fucking compassion before you rush to judgement.

*it's perfectly reasonable to appreciate an artist for their work and talent and still think they are a depraved shithead. I don't go into restaurants and ask the hostess how the owner voted in the last election or if he's ever been convicted of a crime before deciding to eat there and I doubt you do, either. I don't know why people seem to think boycotting artists is 1) going to make a fucking difference ("thanks. Keep the 0.00000000001 cents I would have earned in royalties. I can manage to cut back for two seconds to suffer the loss") 2) reasonable in any way unless you are spending your life making sure every penny you earn never falls into the hands of someone who dares to disagree with your personal opinions or engages in behavior you find reprehensible.

*everyone who reads or hears about some celebrity doing something stupid that immediately launches into an attack on their work or life can fuck off. "I never liked his music/films/books anyway." What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Look, you may not like Polanski's films. That's a matter of personal taste. But you cannot, without looking like a fucking philistine idiot, say that he has contributed nothing to the cultural landscape. The very fact that you've heard of movies like Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown refutes that. Even if you think they are crap, all these years later, people are still talking about them. That means something. It's a fucking contribution.

*Polanski's mother dying in the Holocaust and his wife and would-be son being murdered is not a fucking excuse for criminal behavior years and years later. Millions of people lost loved ones during the Holocaust. And this was the wife, by the way, that he married reluctantly, ran around and cheated on incessantly ("Roman lies to me and I pretend to believe him." She even fucking knew about it) and was disappointed by when she turned out to be an old-fashioned girl who just longed to be a wife and mother and not some swinging 60s full-time party dame. I'm not saying he didn't love her, but give me a break. If anyone doubts that, had Sharon Tate lived, she'd now be the ex-Mrs. Polanski, you're kidding yourself. By the way, if suffering a traumatic childhood and great loss is a viable excuse for committing a crime, give me my free pass right fucking now. I've earned it. I've got some banks to rob and some dope to smoke in public places.

*please knock it off with the "shut up and sing" crap. Entertainers are just as capable of becoming informed, educated citizens as your or me. The biggest idiot in the room being the loudest is not unique to Hollywood. One moron spouting off rubbish about how it's not "rape rape" does not an entire industry make. If you think they shouldn't express their opinions, then, my dear blogger, why don't you shut up and get back to your desk job or your lab, classroom, or making change at the fucking 7-11, because you're no more qualified.

If I pissed anyone off, I'll make no apologies here. I'm sick of reading all the Moral! Outrage! Christ on a peanut butter-coated crutch. Even most of the people defending Polanski are doing so on grounds that have nothing to do with his actions that day. You think it's bad to drug and rape a thirteen-year-old. Welcome to the fucking human race.

Friday, September 25, 2009

So Long, Bitch.

Susan Atkins can fuck off. I hope Hell is hotter than she expected it to be.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Repeat after me. "Pedestrians."

The dumbass who almost ran me over last night because he wasn't paying attention, despite the fact that his gray hair hinted that his driving years should have, by now, acquainted him with the concept of "pedestrians" can FUCK OFF.

Every other dumbass who distracts themselves with their fucking phones or stereos or any other gadget instead of watching the road can FUCK OFF. For fuck's sake, we survived as a species for thousands and thousands of years without telephones, and now we cannot even manage to go twenty minutes without using one?

And no, this is not a generational thing. People of all ages have come dependent on gadgets and technology that they could easily survive without. I love me my technological toys, but come on. I can manage to put them down from time to time.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fuck Off



I took that photo at Ground Zero in November of 2003. Yeah, I'm a shit photographer; I was trying to get a good picture of the cross fashioned from the WTC wreckage you can see near the center. This was before I had a digital camera and could take a few shots until I captured something decent. It's the best I could do at the time.

And the people in the surrounding corridors - who are probably still there today - peddling their grief porn in the form of tacky 9/11 souveniers can FUCK OFF for exploiting something this awful to make money.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Crap

Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw. It's Friday.

Friday, August 28, 2009

It's All Yours

It's been a decent week. I got nothing. The floor is yours.

Have a great weekend.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Poopshit

Forgot it was Friday again. Sorry. Let the Fuck Offs fly...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Late again

Meetings, meetings, meetings. Bleh. And more to come.

Take it away, kids.

Friday, August 7, 2009

The USPS Is Fucking Faster

Yahoo! mail can fuck off. I know I shouldn't complain about freeware crap not working since I'm not paying a dime for it, but Jebus, get your shit together already, Yahoo. I'm sick of constantly having problems with my e-mail.

Is g-mail any better? Anyone?

And RIP, John Hughes. 59-year-old men dropping dead of heart attacks can fuck off.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Insomnia Sucks

I've been awake since 2 am. It's going to be a long day. It's barely started and it can already go fuck itself.

Take yours out in the comments.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Ugh

I'm too fucking tired. People who expect one person to manage to do the work of eight and have the results in yesterday can fuck off. Seriously FUCK OFF. Especially the ones who wait until the last minute and then expect me to make miracles happen because they couldn't be bothered sooner. I've been worn the fuck out by these people over the last few weeks. I am ONE FUCKING PERSON, idiots. I can only do so much so fast.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday, July 10, 2009

It Was Better To Forgive

I was going to write a long rant about a neighboring psycho hose beast bitch succubus whose nicest personality trait is her cruel streak, but then I saw the light. Realizing that she's a psycho hose beast bitch succubus, probably being a result of mental illness, I decided that she was more worthy of pity than anger. It must be miserable going through life that petty and bitter. She doesn't deserve my Fuck Off.

But the jackass who doesn't look for pedestrians when he's making a right turn does. Pay some fucking attention to where your stupid car is heading, dumb fuck.

Take it away.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Bad Blood's Gone

For the most part, anyway. The Brits are our dear friends now. But King George III can still fuck off, at least this weekend. 1776, Bitches.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Death Can Fuck Off

Especially when it comes so damn prematurely.

That is all.

Take it away.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Where Am I?

Having a schedule so hectic that I forget what day of the week it is can fuck off.

It is Friday, isn't it?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Figure It Out For Yourself, Dumbass

Dumbasses who are working with new, idiot-proof computer programs that can't be bothered to figure anything out for themselves and expect me - someone who has to take the time to do the same - to walk them through it while I'm learning myself can fuck off. You have a brain. I know this. You wouldn't be breathing without one. Figure it out on your own. I'm not your third grade teacher.

And no, Adobe, for the last fucking time, I do not want to upgrade. Every time I do, your "improved" version fucks my shit up big time. I hate you. Fuck off.

And away y'all go...

Friday, June 5, 2009

Your Fuck Offs Can Fuck Off

I don't have anything this week, but I'm sure some of you guys do. Whatever you think should fuck off, I think should fuck off. Mostly.

Go at it.

Friday, May 29, 2009

The State Government is not a Fucking ATM

Last week we had state and local elections in California. My county only had stupid fucking initiatives up for a vote. It got me thinking - I cannot remember if I have ever voted in a state election where there wasn't a ballot measure to give more money to schools for this or that.

California spends forty percent of its budget on schools. I know they are important. I loved school. So please pardon me when I say YOU HAVE ENOUGH FUCKING MONEY. FUCK OFF WITH THE 'MORE MONEY FOR SCHOOLS' BULLSHIT ALREADY.

YOU.

HAVE.

ENOUGH.

If you find that you don't, you're doing it wrong.

Your turn.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Fuck

The sports media can fuck off for running headlines that say "Brett Favre Still Retired" when I'm looking for fucking playoff scores. Dumbasses. Football is not the only fucking sport in the world.

Friday, May 15, 2009

That Was Just Fucking Cruel

The Hockey Gods can fuck off for making me watch both Anaheim and Boston be eliminated from the play0ffs on the same fucking night.

But this is hockey, where we have more class than other sports, so I'll offer congratulations to Detroit and Carolina for advancing to the third round while opening openly rooting for them to lose.

Your turn.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Hate Thy Name Is Detroit

I got nothing, except that I really fucking HATE the Detroit Red Wings right now.

And I'll second Shannon's early FF yesterday to Manny Ramirez, with an extra eff towards every guy that's contributed to the "Steroids Era" I've had to witness in my lifetime. Shame on you.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Pissed in PST

They're called time zones, people. Just because you've come back from lunch doesn't mean I should be available to assist you at seven o'clock in the fucking morning.

Your turn.

Friday, April 24, 2009

My Fucking iPod

This seems so trivial, considering people come here to complain about cancer and sick babies, but that horizontal album cover scroll thing that my iPod switches to can fuck off. It's fucking useless, outside of the novel, one-time pleasure you get at having a gadget that can do something like that. I fucking hate it.

Feel free to tell me to fuck off for fucking off something so minor, but I have nothing otherwise this week. If your complaints are worse, now's the time to let them fly.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Special Snowflake Teacher's Edition

This week is dedicated to all our teachers and their ungrateful students who try to get out of learning with stupid excuses by thinking they're so special that they are somehow above the work that everyone else has to do.

It's your education, you morons. Take it seriously.

And my special aside - people with advanced degrees that they earned with said behavior who slid by with a 2.4 GPA yet still go around afterwards acting like they're smarter than everyone else when they are really just a dumb ass fuck that's good at kissing ass and making excuses can FUCK OFF.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Friday Fuck Off Thread Comes A Day Early

In honor of the stupid fucking douch-drinking assfart twatwaffle that blew through a red light and wound up killing Anaheim Angels rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart, along with two other passengers in his car, with a third in critical condition. The guy was just 22 fucking years old.

RIP, # 34. You truly are an angel now.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Please Get to the Fucking Point

People who take ten minutes to explain something that can be just as easily made clear in about thirty fucking seconds can fuck off. You may have all day, but I fucking don't.

Happy Friday. Take it away.

Friday, March 27, 2009

No, In Fact, I Don't Have the Slightest Idea Who You Are

Anyone who has ever pulled a "don't you know who I am?" routine or any variety thereof, whereby they proclaim their special-ness over others can fuck off. You don't get to cut in line just because you're the star of a reality TV show I've never even fucking heard of, jackass.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Wednesday Fuck Yeah! Thread

A little early because we's celebramating! Laura's Daughter has nailed the exit exam and is going to graduate with a very high score!

Rock on, LD!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Everything In The World Is Not About YOU

People who think that just because something isn't important to them means that it shouldn't be important to anyone can fuck off. Sometimes, things you might deem trivial may just be the livelihood or genuinely broken hearts of others. A personal experience does not equal the whole of life or reality for every other human on the planet.

And people who insist on politicizing EVERYTHING, from movies to goddamm fucking sudden, shocking death, can fuck off. You people have no shred of fucking humanity in you at all.

Friday, March 13, 2009

So, Like I Was Telling Famous Person X....

The guy who bored me out of my ass by chewing my ear off last night with his asanine name-dropping routine accompanied by Zippo tricks can fuck off. Dude, NONE of that makes you cool. And any chick that is impressed by that crap can go fuck off right with him.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Gimme Generation

I am getting so goddamned tired of the word "stimulus". The best description I've yet read for this atrocity is "The Generational Theft Act of 2009", but I don't know who coined it.

Quote of the day (from a few days ago):
Like the college students who stayed up late to be inspired by his campaign rallies only to find Obama's first significant action to be a stimulus program that will transfer about a trillion dollars from them to the Baby Boomers, Silicon Valley Obama supporters are likely to find that a government-dominated economic era will not a great one in which to start companies that threaten big incumbent corporations that have juice with the government. I hope they appreciate the irony.
No shit, and I'm a boomer myself.

So a hearty and heartfelt multiple fuck off to (in no particular order):

Self-indulgent cretins who spend beyond their means and expect the rest of us to bail them out

Corrupt Congresspukes. See the this comment. Fuckers.

And I don't care if some of the corrupt bastards gave the money to charity or gave it back (AFTER the mofos got caught). As the Puppy Blender said, returning the money doesn't mean you weren't in bed with him, it's just laundering the sheets, after.

The entire California legislature, both parties. Just fucking go away before you do any more damage.

Every single one of the tax cheats in the Obama Administration. Yeah, they finally paid up (no penalties or prison time like we little people would get).

And a special fuck off to Barney Frank and Chris Dodd. I don't know that they're the worst of the bunch but they're certainly the most prominent faces of corruption currently in the news. Oh yeah, and Charlie Rangel. In a rational world, they'd all be sharing a prison cell.

Oh, and let's not forget the public sector unions. I want them DESTROYED, expecially the SEIU and the teachers' unions.

Take it away, folks.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Paul the Internet Guy - you are about to DIE

Sorry for being late. That "Hi, I'm Paul the Internet Guy!" who keeps spamming me no matter how many times I ask to be removed from his stupid fucking mailing list can fuck off. God, I hate these people and their spam. For fuck's sake, how many times do I have to ignore you before you get the fucking point that I am not interested in your offers to help me make millions by simply sitting on my couch and farting?

Your turn!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Goddamm Fuckers

Bless this dear man and his struggle against that fucking "church" for having a stout enough heart to fight back against them. He's now being "Fair Gamed" for the insufferable sin of wanting to have his daughter be happy and a part of his life.

The people responsible for this are ultimately victims. The people in charge of brainwashing them to make them that way can FUCK OFF. They are tearing families lives apart for fucking MONEY. Jebus, this crap makes me sick.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Nuttin'

I've got nothing this week. It's all yours. Have a great weekend.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Late Again. Sorry.

The jackhammering that gave me the headache I've got right now can fuck off.

And drivers who plow down the far right lane after it's rained so that the water that's accumulated in the gutters splashes on the sidewalk like a tidal wave can fuck off. Listen, douchebag, sometimes there are fucking pedestrians walking down the street who prefer to take their showers in bathtubs.

Friday, January 30, 2009

It sucks, it sucks, it sucks

Losing a beloved family pet can fuck off. Rest easy, Miko.

Take it away, folks.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Got Nuttin'

It's all yours. If I think of something later, I'll drop it in the comments.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Emily Can Fuck Off

I can fuck off for forgetting it's Friday and denying everyone their possibly much-needed forum for blowing off some fucking steam. Have at it.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Running Late

Sorry about that.

Quick one: Fuck off to media whores and ambulance chasers. Especially ones that look like Garth Algar.

Go for it, kids.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Suck It, Cancer

Sorry we're late; with one exception, the year is going really well so far. At least better for me than last year. But cancer can still suck it for the man it stole from somebody I care dearly about a few short hours ago.

The floor is yours.