Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Fucking Christmas

It seems so wrong to tell someone to fuck off on Christmas, so I won't be doing it tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure the thread was here in case anyone needed it in the event of a drunk uncle/challenging family crisis. You know, escape to the toilet with a mobile device and tell your Auntie Margaret who asks you every year why you aren't married yet to go shove a garden gnome up her ass or something.

Just in case. Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Knew There Was A Reason I Never Liked Reality

Reality TV can officially fuck off. It was easy enough to ignore before. I was a snob about it at first, but learned not to be. Everybody has their own form of mindless entertainment. When it was confined to evening broadcasts that I never watched anyway, it didn't bother me. Let cable television come up with the raunchiest, tackiest premise for a show. Who can sell a kidney on the black market the fastest - winner gets a million dollars and seven-and-a-half minutes of fame! Put ten married guys in a room filled with Playboy bunnies and the last guy who doesn't dip his wick wins an Aston Martin and a free hair transplant. "Survivor: Mid-Life Crisis." Whatever.

Well, you know what? I'm back to being a fucking snob about it. Now that these attention-starved morons have trickled in to the real news so that CNN's headlines run like this:

*146 Killed In Afghanistan Attack
*Jon Gosselin Buys A Tube Of Toothpaste

I am officially pissed the fuck off. We've got jackass moron dipshits pulling stupid stunts, manipulating everything from White House security to their own fucking children in some desperate, idiotic, fuckbrained attempt to get their own goddammm reality show. Enough with this Look-At-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me bullshit. If you give a crap about the Gosselins getting divorced outside of a fleeting pinch of sympathy for their children, if you keep up with the Kardashians, if you watch "Jersey Shore" just so you can feel smug because you are not a big enough doofus to actually give yourself a nickname like "The Situation" without a hint of irony, you can FUCK OFF. I know, for a while it was kind of fun, watching in horror and thinking "at least I'm not that dumb," but when we've come to the point where television programming is saturated with Stupid Fucking Asshole shows that millions watch just to feel better because they're not that low, we're talking about a cultural vacuum waiting to happen.

Mark my fucking words. I'm sick to fucking death of the age of No-Talent Celebrity being shoved in my face through the mainstream news. Keep that shit confined to trashy tabloids and gossip sites, but KEEP IT OUT OF THE FUCKING REAL NEWS.

Okay, now it's your turn.

Friday, December 11, 2009

It's Called Weather. Deal.

Southern Californians who bitch and moan when the temperature dips below 65 degrees Farenheit can fuck off. There are these things called "sweaters" and "jackets" and "blankets" for you to endure the two weeks of Winter Holocaust we all have been plagued to suffer by angry gods. Other people elsewhere need them in September when you can still surf in your skivvies and yet continue to complain that it's too hot. 350 days out of the year you are blessed with a climate that can only be described as perfect. Shut UP.

Go on, the rest of yous. What do you have for us this week?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dear Youtube

Dear Youtube,
I didn't complain when you started showing commercials before and between some of your videos. I'm getting your services for free, after all. I got peeved when some of the adverts became flashy and oversized, but still held back from groaning. I don't even make a fuss about the sound on some clips being disabled. It's not your fault there are people who think they deserve a fat check every time three notes of their music moves between a pair of human ears. But now you've started putting commercials at the top of your "related videos" that sit on the right sidebar - commercials that are in no way whatsoever related to the feature I happen to be watching. That's stupid. It's low. And with competitors like Hulu on the rise and undoubtedly many more to come, if you keep this shit up, you'll be as irrelevant as AOL in the age of Google.

Fuck off,