Friday, December 26, 2008

Stop Calling It "Black Fucking Friday"

I hope those of you that celebrate it had a nice Christmas. Now, will the media please fuck off and stop calling every fucking department store sale "Black Friday"?

It's all yours, folks.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Blame Game

People who try to pass off their fuck-ups on to others and won't take responsibility can fuck off. Especially the third fucking time around. Can't name names, but man do I really want to.

And cancer, you make appearances here quite frequently, but this week, I want you to get fucked up the ass so hard, it'll blow you to Saturn. Fucking bastard and the suffering you're inflicting on the people I love. I hate you. HATE YOU.

Cheers. Happy Friday. Kick off the weekend by blowing some steam below.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Suck it, Yahoo!

Yahoo's image search function can fuck off. I'm never using it again. They've been partnered with Flickr for a while, but now they've decided to make it their primary source for all image searches, which means if you're looking for public figures or historical photos, the first 10,000 results will turn up some stranger's pictures of their Sunday picnic. Basically, it's been rendered fucking useless. Thanks, Yahoo! What a totally clueless stinking thing to do.

I'm sure y'all got much worse. The floor is yours.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Cripes, I did it again

Fuck off to me for losing track of time.

Take it away, kids.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Wednesday "FUCK YEAH!" Thread

On Monday night, I stopped into the beer store on the way home to pick up some sundries. There was one guy in line ahead of me and another at the register who had just been rung up. Register Man decides that he also needs some bread. "Where is your bread?" he asks the clerk. Then he proceeds to take his time slinking down the aisle he's been directed towards before asking "don't you have any wheat bread? I only eat wheat bread. Will you have some by tomorrow?" All this while two people were waiting behind him. I was so irritated. He was going to be my Friday Fuck Off.

Then something happened. Because of the way he was standing at the register and the postitioning of where he had to go to find his bread, he hadn't noticed there were two people being held up in line. He was horrified. He immediately began apologizing profusely. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. To the both of you. I didn't see you. I had no idea there were people waiting. I would not have done that if I knew you were behind me. I am sorry. Please forgive me." I was so touched, I indeed forgave him immediately and bumped his mention here up a couple of days.

Gee, score one for the I'm-Not-The-Only-Person-In-The-Universe brand of politeness. Civility and manners. FUCK YEAH!

Friday, November 28, 2008

Holy crap, it's Friday!

Damn, sure doesn't feel like one. I have a holiday today in addition to yestiddy. So I have no real fuck offs personally except for traffic, and even that wasn't too bad. So my fuck offs today are on a more newsy, global level.

Fuck off, you filthy, murdering fucks. And fuck off to appeasers like Deepak Chopra. (And this despite the fact that I used to have a business card from a private gun dealer also named Deepak Chopra; I wish I still had that card.)

Fuck off, gangbangers (an assumption that those involved were gangbangers, but a pretty good assumption based on early reports).

Also, Fuck Off to Wayne Pacelle. Do what your organization was originally formed to do, not what PETArds want to do today.

And finally, Fuck off, you stupid fucks. No goddam sale is worth trampling people, this ain't fucking festival seating. Fuck off and die, idiots.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dear Useful Idiots - Fuck Off

People who cling to political ideals over fucking humanity can fuck the fuck off. This week, I'm specifically talking to the ones who dismissed 918 dead human fucking beings in Jonestown thirty years ago because they had supposedly built a utopian socialicist farming collective. Never mind the beatings, intimidation, captivity, rape and, ultimately, mass murder. They were growing their own vegetables which was like groovy, man. That Jim Jones cat wasn't all that bad until the end. That's fucking bullshit. BULLSHIT. And it's easy enough to read primary fucking sources that will tell you so first hand. If you can't be bothered to read at least that much, then do the world a favor and shut the fuck up when you don't have a clue.

The apologists are getting a little bit more than wearisome. They're becoming downright infuriating.

And I'm glad to read that all of our past efforts telling cancer to fuck off have panned out. Hooray to Ricki's family. Fuck off, cancer. We're coming for your ass.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Wednesday "FUCK YEAH!" Thread

Our blog friend Maggie May showed up in the comments last Friday complaining about some douche posing as a lawyer (I know, putting "douche" and "lawyer" in the same sentence is kind of redundant) who's harassing her parents in an indisputably undeserved fashion. Another of our blog friends, the smart and kindly Joel, offered to be of any assistance he could to track down said douchelawyer and maybe help get the guy off their backs. It looks like Joel came through in a big way. So this, our inaugural Wednesday "FUCK YEAH!" Thread, is dedicated to Joel and his efforts to help out a few strangers in need because he's just that kind of guy. Here's hoping his work settles the matter and these people can get on with their lives.

You rock, Joel. Seriously. "FUCK YEAH!"

Friday, November 14, 2008


Ugh. Staring at this screen wondering who or what to tell to fuck off can fuck off. I guess nothing's got me pissed today. It's all yours.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Well fuck off to me

Can't keep my damned blogs straight.

Yes, there used to be a different post here, if anyone noticed.

I Never Thought I'd Type These Words

But with the way I feel this morning, whiskey can fuck off. And I can fuck off for being so amused by it last night that I feel like death this morning.

I hope you guys have something better.

Friday, October 31, 2008

WTF? Knock it off.

Pardon the "get off my lawn" tone, but I am seriously getting pissed off at how much txt mssg speak and the use of acronyms have begun to slip into mainstream writing. I'm not talking about FBI or IRS or NAFTA or the SAS or NSA. I completely understand that there are times when abbreviation is both practical and economical. I do not, however, want to see "AFAIK," "IIRC," or any other shortened string of non-instututional phrases in professional print. If you are being paid to write, you can at least pay your readers the courtesy of taking the 0.6 extra seconds that will be required to type "if I recall" instead of hitting the caps lock and typing the fucking initials. You are abusing the language of poets and giants. Don't make me seize that quill.


Your turn.

Friday, October 24, 2008

A little late...

But never TOO late for an FFOT.

Today I would like to give a hearty fuck off to issues that come up on the day I'm trying desperately to clean things up and leave a little early so's I can head up country to do some buck hunting.

And another hearty fuck off with cheese to those who refuse to make a decision, which delays some deadlines, especially when they are the ones pushing to hit this deadline. The only upside on this is that they have been given a list of the things that must be done, and when, to hit said deadline (among those things being said decision), and told in no uncertain terms that every delay in these minor items results sets the deadline back by the same amount of time. They have been warned.

Take it away, folks. And have fun on next week's FFOT, I'll still be upcountry then.

Friday, October 17, 2008

A Special Message To You My Dearest One

Hello. My name is Princess Mustufa Kimabashmatek. I am the recent recipient to the heiring fortune of my late father, King Kumbaga Kimabashmatek, who was unfortunate to have been killed in a recent coup by guerilla factions in the west of our country. As these forces having soon siezed the accounts of the current ruling regime, I am in need for you to help me by accepting a wire transfer in the sum of $500,000,000, of which you will be awarded half for your kind efforts in assisting me in this situation.

Yours truly with love and with God,
Princess Mustufa Kimabashmatek

The fact that I get at least ten of those a day can fuck off. The scam artists that write them can fuck off. The people who are so greedy, lazy and moronic that they actually believe there are others who just want to shovel money at them, give them free high-priced shit for no reason, or pay them to sit at home on their asses can fuck off.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Do I Still Call Each Post "FFOT" When The Whole Dern Blog is Called That?

Cluelessly self-obsessed, self-impressed morons who think they are far smarter and more interesting than they actually are can fuck off. I'm talking to the Gwyneth "Goop" Paltrows of the world here, who seem to think that their everyday, mundane activities and observations are pearls before swine, as if the rest of the world was populated by hygienically-challenged, uneducated half-wits.

Fuck you, you fucking idiots. And get over yourselves. You're not all that. Actually, in most cases, you're duller and not nearly as smart as you think you are.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Small announcement

Today's FFOT will be posted as the last one at "It Comes in Pints?", for old-times sake. See you there.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Second Test

If you tell someone to fuck off in the forest and nobody's around to hear it, at least you still feel better about screaming cuss words at the top of your lungs.

Monday, September 22, 2008


This is only a test. In the event of an actual post, you would be informed by an obnoxious voice that someone should FOAD.