Cluelessly self-obsessed, self-impressed morons who think they are far smarter and more interesting than they actually are can fuck off. I'm talking to the Gwyneth "Goop" Paltrows of the world here, who seem to think that their everyday, mundane activities and observations are pearls before swine, as if the rest of the world was populated by hygienically-challenged, uneducated half-wits.
Fuck you, you fucking idiots. And get over yourselves. You're not all that. Actually, in most cases, you're duller and not nearly as smart as you think you are.
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As I've already announced on my blog, my son was born Monday. I have no complaints against the hospital or the nursing staff--they were wonderful, and the NICU staff couldn't take better care of my son.
My insurance, however, can fuck right the fuck off with rotten nacho cheese covered knobs. Fuck you very much for fucking up what little peace of fucking mind I had in the hospital on the day my son was born eight fucking weeks premature, for fucking saying that since it was a "normal vaginal birth" it wasn't a fucking complication and you wouldn't fucking cover it. How in the fucking world is my water breaking at 32 fucking weeks, and the baby going straight into the fucking NICU NOT a complication? How do you fucking justify that, you snot-sucking twatwaffles?
Rest assured: we will fight your "we don't cover anything but complications, and that's not a complication" excuse-giving asses. You will fucking pay for what you're supposed to fucking pay for. We're not asking for you to pay for every sniffle, you goddamned fuckknuckles.
That's un-fucking-believable. Seriously. Is there some sort of recourse for you to protest that ruling that a baby being born eight fucking weeks early isn't a complication? That's absurd! This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in your life! You shouldn't have to worry about shit like your insurance paying for you and your son's care!
And he's a wee cute one. I hope everything works out for you guys.
Oh, we're fighting it. So is the hospital, and the doctor's office that treated me throughout. Nobody's happy with this fuck up, except, perhaps, the company.
And he is a cute one. He's really early, and only a few days old, but already alert, playing, and charming his nurses. Like I said, they've been wonderful.
Slap 'em hard, HH! There's no excuse for that.
And he is indeed a cutie!
One more time, fuck off to those cretinous bastards who just HAVE to get one more car length ahead by passing on the shoulder. Also to the dumbshits who come up in the left lane while passing, then slow right alongside you so you can't change lanes either in front or behind them.
And of course, CCFOAD.
I was going to go on a rant about people blowing things out of proportion, but then, I linked the collapse of the World's Economy to one teenage cashier calling out from work the other night.
So, I'll just kiss my own ass, and go on about my business....
Damn. Many fuck offs to HH's insurance company.
Instructors who say that an assignment will be due, but are completely vague about when and what the conditions of the instructions will be and THEN give you very last minute instructions and timing to finish the assignment and THEN act like it's your fault that you're having to jump through hoops can just fuck the fuckity fuck off with an APA Publication Manual shoved sideways up their ass.
My mortgage company can fuck off with moldy pepper jack in all their most sensitive openings, for waiting FIVE FUCKING DAYS to process our payment, by which time the GODDAMN THING HAD BOUNCED! So now they're gong to assess us late fees for their own fucking sorry-ass delay!
My congresscritters are bailing these vermin out, and they STILL have the gall to fuck us over!
Okay, I'm taking on a big one here, but I've about had it:
Death.
Death can fuck off. More specifically, Death can fuck off from taking people I care about for a while.
Look, I understand it's a necessary part of life. I understand people's bodies wear out, that people get sick, that people lose their will for living.
But there are also 6.5-fucking-billion people in the world, Death. Why take people who mean so much to so many, when there are people like Achmedinijad (or however it's spelt), and would-be terrorists, and spammers.
And don't give me that crap about "but Achmedinnerjacket is someone's baby too." I bet his mommy is in prison somewhere for the crime of showing a bit too much wrist on a windy day.
Too many families I care about are mourning right now. I'm having to do far too much reconfiguring of my personal circle. I'm having to take too many names off my Christmas card list, dammit!
So Death, for a while, please stop taking people (and animals, for that matter) that MATTER to me. And to the people who are important to me.
Joel - my new landlord is worse. My rent checks aren't usually cashed until 10-15 days after the 1st! I know to consider the money "gone" and everything, but come on, people. Don't you WANT that money?
Miley Cyrus/Hannah Bananana or whatever she's called can fuck off, too. I'm so sick of people who don't realize that everyone else in the world does not want to look at your fucking mug EVERY LAST GODDAMM PLACE THEY GO.
I don't give a fucking fuck if Angelina was breastfeeding on the cover of whatever magazine she whored her children out to. I'm so sick of seeing and hearing about her and Brad every fucking day of my life. And Angie, hon? Yeah, we are not fucking stupid. You can't say in interviews that the most important thing in the world is your children when 1) you are deliberately depriving them of the choice to live their lives in peace when they grow up. Not EVERYONE is a fucking attention whore, sweetums. They may want to be private people when they grow up and THEY CAN'T BE because you sell pictures of them to magazines. 2) Don't tell us how your career comes second when you have been in every other fucking movie that has been released in the last five years. 3) You and hubby are in a different city every damn day. If you love your kids so much, consider the fact that they may want a little fucking STABILITY in their lives.
Oridinarily, I wouldn't give a shit about these people and their choices, but they are shoving their fucking lives down my throat at every turn, and I don't even read celebrity gossip crap. I can't shop without seeing them plastered all over the place. I can't check my e-mail, I can't even read the REGULAR FUCKING NEWS without finding these people there. Fuck off. Go AWAY.
And Ricki - so sorry for your losses. Much worse than Hannah Banana or whatever. I shouldn't complain...
I third (or fourth) the fuck offs for HH and Ricki. Mine pale in comparison. However.....
has been celebrities can fuck off. All of them. With a video camera dipped in flaming cheese crammed up their ass.
Bureaucrats who exist merely to maintain their own comfort zone, and not try to actually fix problems, can fuck off with a bottle of super hot sauce while dancing to the theme music from Doctor Zhivago played by a bunch of first graders using rusty whistles.
Bill Ayers can fuck off and die.
Hey, no worries, Em...I think most celebrities can F to the F-izzouse (or whatever the cool kids say) off any day of the week.
I'm just really, really pissed at Death right now.
The FFOT is no place to rank the things that can F off in terms of their importance or justify what you're telling to F off.
Holly, that totally sucks. Between the messed-up coverage for births and the outrageous malpractice on the doctors/nurses/midwives, the horror stories and complications are becoming the norm.
Ricki--yeah, didn't we hit our death quota for the year over the summer?
Cullen, I will gladly hand over my copy of the APA style manual for your FO usage. . . and I think Jeff S.'s FO singed my eyebrows a bit!
The one thing Death can have: fruit flies. They can fuck off and die. Somewhere other than in my apartment, while they're at it. All I'm trying to do is eat healthy, so of course the bananas (not to be confused with Emily's fave, Hannah Banana) I brought home either came with flies that I didn't notice, or attracted them. I was up late fighting the swarms in both my kitchen and bathroom, so I probably should tell myself to fuck off for not noticing the flies sooner.
I gotta agree, Insurance Companies Can Fuck Off And Die (ICCFOAD)
and Death Can Fuck Off (DCFO -- to say DCFOAD would be, well, repetitious...)
And: crises can fuck off. August was Dad's health -- he got better -- and then September was Ike --finally getting over that -- and now it's my stupidass project at work.
SPEAKING of which... (hmmm, how to put this as generically as possible...)
People in management positions who have their head so far up their hindquarters they can't see that their people skills need more renovation than Galveston Island can FOAD with their buzzword dictionary.
OK. Lemme check my list. I think that's it for now.
People who want you to do X ... then they want Y ... they ask about Y every day so you do that ... then they want to know why X didn't get done.
Coworkers who are either naturally or deliberately stupid, whose stupidity is costly in other folks' time, resources, and mental energy, and whose supervisor says "I'll talk to him" for the 40th time.
Ditto about Miley Cyrus. I go to check my hotmail and I have to see a blurb about her sweet 16 pictures, which I actively did not click on. I'm happy for Miley and I hope she has a great life, but I have a daughter of my own and I don't have to look at pictures of somebody else's kid. In fact, I'd rather look at pictures of my CATS. (This does not mean you, HH. He looks great. Congratulations.)
Oh yeah, one or two more. Not nearly as awful as my first, but still fucking annoying.
To the badly behaved bunch of twatwaffles of the campus social club "Drinking Liberally," fuck the fuck off. Your wandering around, sitting at the table at the pizza shop we were at, and taking up all the wait staff's attention to the point where we couldn't get service, fuck the fucking fuck off. You asspipes blowing lefty platitudes with no thought behind them kept a hungry, lactating woman from getting food. You were chased from the previous pizza and beer place not because of your fucking political preferences but because of your atrocious behavior chasing customers away. When people go out for a fucking pizza, they do not want drunken airhead liberals slurring platitudes wandering over and harassing them about their political opinions.
We will not be going back to that particular pizza place, despite it having some of the best pizza in town, until they increase the size of their restaurant, if at all, because of the way they tolerated your horrible behavior.
And no, we didn't get our pizza. I had to go home for a set schedule, and to be able to take the next day's meals to my son in the NICU.
And double fuck the fuck off for making me so mad I totally collapsed into tears in the car. That only made an awful fucking ride home, hungry, angry, and tired, worse.
people who make new moms cry because they're assholes can F-off.
Seriously, "Drinking Liberally"? Yeah, they're busting stereotypes about college kids there....
(Seriously, I hate it when a group gets together and claims to have a "higher" purpose when the real purpose is only to get high. They should be honest enough with themselves to admit that they're only hanging out in order to get wasted.)
Crap.
Grammar is not ricki's friend at nearly 10 pm on a Friday.
Holly, I'm sure you're aware that the "assholes" in my previous post referred to the people who were annoying you and not YOU, but I just want to go on the record about that.
*****
Oh, and that Jack in the Box ad with the two grown men (executive types) being pushed in a STROLLER who start whining and crying because they need a snack is more than welcome to fuck off, with all the fake cheese sauce and E. coli infested beef shards that can be swept off a floor. First of all, it further serves to show men as infantile (a stereotype we really don't need) and second, their 'crying' voice makes me want to BOTH pimpslap and dopeslap my tv.
Oh jeez, Ricki, that commercial is frickin' irritating. I'm pretty tolerant when it comes to stuff like that but that one just grates on me.
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